my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
