i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
