I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
