Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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