Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
