I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
