I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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