I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
