I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
