oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
That was an excessively violent trivia night
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
