Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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