i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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