I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
