This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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