when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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