i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
