yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
