they need to just BURY HIM!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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