I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
NoShamevember. You game?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
