Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
