i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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