I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
