you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
