Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
you made out with another girl for some wings
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
