At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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