We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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