I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
