My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
