i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
