I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
