One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
