We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hello my rib-scented angel!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize