Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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