my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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