I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
soo... how was my night?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
