I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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