new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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