We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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