Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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