fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
