Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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