I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
