Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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