Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So much rum. So many feels.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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