dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
