The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
