You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
