I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize