Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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