I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
