the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
