I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
