he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
