Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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