I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
