Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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