I smell stomach acid.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize