Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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