I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
