I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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