Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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