dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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