Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
