i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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