did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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