my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
