I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
