just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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